My Kid is Cooler Than Your Kid...

... because she wants to dress like my twin.

Helena-ism 325

Helena: "You're a gumbutt!"

Jordon: "What's a gumbutt? It sounds like a Bond villain."

Helena: "What's a bongo-in?"

Helena-ism 324

Jordon: "If you had to choose between a Barbie and Jessica, what would you pick?"

Helena: "How about a Barbie Jessica? Now, that's a Barbie you'd never rip the head off of."

Helena-ism 323

Helena trying to get back at Jordon:

"What don't you like? I'm gonna mix up some tuna fish in a pizza salad. I'm gonna take a Christmas tree wrapped in foil and dip it in cement. See how you like that!"

Helena-ism 322

Jordon: "You're nuts."

Helena: "You're nuts. Full of nuts. A nut machine."

The Christmas Wrap-Up

After weeks of the build-up, the anticipation, the shopping (my god, the shopping) I finally made Christmas happen. As you know, Helena's big gift this year was a pet turtle. Five trips to Petsmart and over $300 later, a pet turtle is what she got. Am I the only one who didn't know that tortoises were upwards of $130?? I also failed to factor in the aquarium, the heat lamps and pads, thermometers, wading pool, bedding, food, shell wax, vitamins, and a little cave for him to hide – as if wearing a shell weren't enough. *phew*

We had been shutting Helena out of the room for the past week in an effort to keep the turtle a surprise. I managed to get her to sleep in her own bed every night, which I'm hoping will be a habit that will stick. Merry Christmas to me. Generally, besides my big planned gift for the year, my Christmas shopping pattern has no rhyme or reason. There's no strategy or list-checking. I see something I like, I get it. Then, when Christmas Eve rolls around, I realize how much I have actually purchased and end up wrapping everything until 3 o'clock in the morning. Did I forget to mention I am a huge procrastinator?

Needless to say, when the wake-up knock came at the door at 7AM, I wasn't quite prepared for it. Since she had been locked out, she only politely knocked and obliged when I asked her to come back again later. With the anticipation of all of those presents, I was even able to get her to clean her room before a single piece of paper was ripped open.

For the first present, we decided to take a cue from a Jimmy Kimmel stunt my sister told me about, and let her open something she would hate. I could tell you about it, or I could just show you. But I'll be honest, I was a little disappointed with her logical analysis of the gifts:



In the true nature of Christmas spirit, Helena regifted her pickles and mustard to Jordon, knowing he would like it much more than her. She would gladly take the Cabbage Patch Dolls, Cocoa Puffs, and Dippin' Dots maker. Yes, I wrapped up a box of Cocoa Puffs for her... just like Santa Claus would.
 

 

  

 

 

 
I should mention that I am not only a parent to Helena. No, I don't have some secret love child that nobody knows about. And before you get all excited, Mom, I'm not pregnant. But I had a boy long before Helena ever came to be, and his name is Bula. Bula is most likely the smartest, mellowist, and most endearing creature I have ever known (and in my family, we've had a ton of pets). But none compare to him. And this video of him opening his own Christmas presents is Reason #482 of why he is the best dog ever and all other dogs shall cower in his presence.


And, in case you were wondering... that is True Blue by Madonna playing on Helena's new record in the background.

Nearly two hours after opening the presents, she still wasn't privy to the turtle. There was a part of me that expected her to be upset that there were things she had asked for and didn't get. But she was appreciative of everything she got and couldn't wait to get into it all. At 10AM, she was asking me to paint rocks and make Dippin' Dots already. But with a little sneaking around on our part, Jordon and I got the turtle setup on Helena's dresser and when I asked her to get something out of her room, she was in for a surprise (which took her a couple seconds to notice):

 

We ended the absolutely perfect holiday with a traditional Christmas ham, played games, and lit some sparklers in the back. So many laughs and good memories. I couldn't have envisioned it being any better.

Helena-ism 321

"The Nutcracker didn't even look like a nutcracker. He just looked like a human bean."

Helena-ism 320

"I saw a bumper sticker that said, 'You dropped a boob on me.' But then Auntie Adga told me it said 'bomb'."

My Kid is Cooler Than Your Kid...

... because she adds little tidbits like this on her schoolwork. (Yes, the cow says "Butt")

Nutcracker Idol

Every day, Helena gets more and more into the Christmas spirit. What with things like Santa's Birthday last week and going to the Nutcracker with her auntie over the weekend. What's that you say?? You've never heard of Santa's Birthday?! Well, for those select few who believe put one of their shoes by the door before they go to bed at night, this year we made a birthday card for the old fart too. When you wake in the morning, you'll find your shoe filled with goodies to get you excited for the festivities to come this month. As if you weren't excited enough already as a kid.

When I was a kid, I remember always trying to find the biggest shoe I had, so Santa would have to fill it up just that much more. Helena is my spitting image. Her boot was HUGE! And as you can see, Santa was no slacker.

Topping her list is a turtle, which she has been begging for repeatedly over the past year. Recently in school, the class was visited by a reptile expert who brought live creatures in for the kids to see. Upon telling this to me, Helena reported, "He had lots of animals. Snakes... iguana... but here's the bad news... NO turtle!" Since she's been so good, there's a good chance that Santa may get her that turtle this year. But let's just keep that between us.

Until we find out for sure what will be under the tree, I will leave you with some video of Helena's rendition of a Christmas ballet.

Helena-ism 319

Helena: "Mom, where does Christmas come from?"

Me: "Well, that depends on who you talk to. Some people will say it's when Jesus was born. Some people will say it's when Santa comes. And some people have different religions and don't celebrate Christmas at all. Jewish people believe in Jesus, but they celebrate Hanukkah."

Helena: "What's Ha-ku-na?"

Me: "Hanukkah. It's a holiday kind of like Christmas, except they celebrate and get presents over 8 days."

Helena: "Ahhhhhhh.... 8 days?! I wanna be Jewish!!!"

Helena-ism 318

Telling me about her schoolday during storytime:

"...and the teacher got to a part in the story where they kiss and guess what? Everyone said, 'ewwwww'. Everyone except for me and Destiny. Even Gloria said, 'ew'. But not me. And I said to everyone, 'What? Kissing isn't gross. You kiss your mom. If there wasn't any kissing, none of us would even be here."

Helena-ism 317

"I had a really bad day. I couldn't jump rope. The rope kept getting stuck on my feet. I fell on the playground and hurt my ankle. Then, I heard Wings Club was coming on at 2. But I don't get out of school until 3."

My Kid is Cooler Than Your Kid...

because her new nickname is "Butthorn".

(This one thanks to Helena's Nana Cookie.)

My, What Big Feet You Have!

"The better to kick mud all over your pants right before we go to the grocery store," says the hellacious Helena as she attempts to get into the car. I use the word attempt loosely, as she pretty much stepped into Jordon's Jeep and faceplanted herself onto the floor of the backseat. Unwilling to get up, she let me tug and pull on any available extremities to get her back upright, as she laughed with glee. Needless to say, my khaki pants were left damp and mud-covered by her boots.

When I finally was able to yank her out of the car and get her standing again, I went to lift her back into the car.

*grunt*

No luck. Try again.

*grrrrrrruuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnttttttttttt*

I'm lucky I didn't snap a tendon in my arm lifting her up. Helena has always been a bit small for her age. She's one of the shortest in her class and is towered over by most kids a year younger than her. Maybe it's because of her little stature that I hadn't realized how big she is actually getting. It's sort of sad, really.

Once we got in the store, I accepted the fact that even riding in the front seat of the shopping cart is no longer a possibility. It's true, she has been riding in the larger bottom part of the cart as of late, but only because she preferred to stretch her legs. And even lifting her up high enough to get her into that area of the cart would prove challenging. My little Helena is little no longer.

Shortly after getting her inside, she cried to get out of the cart because she had to go to the bathroom – which she always seems to do the minute we get somewhere. I lifted her out, we ran to the restroom, and she commented how it was as if we were running through the airport. Upon getting back to the cart, I realized my arms could take no more heavy lifting and for the remainder of the shopping trip, I let her ride holding onto the front end of the cart. Sure, maybe not the best parenting move, but hey – I'm cool!

When Helena espoused Jordon to our "flight" to the bathroom, they both proceeded to make fun of me and call me the mom from Home Alone. I'm toying around with this being mine and Helena's Halloween costumes next year. Gotta get those innocent kid's costumes in while I can, before she's onto bunny ears and tutus like the majority of the female population. God, I hope I've raised her better than that.

Helena-ism 316

Upon getting out of the bathtub, again sobbing:

Helena: "Moooooooooommmmmm.... I'm cooooooooold!!!"

Me: "You act like you're in the Arctic or something."

Helena: "I aaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmm!!!!!!"

Helena-ism 315

When I told her to check the water temperature in the bathtub. She comes running into the room sobbing:

"Moooooooooommmmmm.... I stubbed my toe and the water's fine."

My Kid is Cooler Than Your Kid...

because we make up our own Christmas songs.

"Last Christmas, I gave you my fart. But the very next day, you waved it away. This year to save me from sneers, I'll rip it on someone special."

Blanksgiving

For the first Thanksgiving in several years, I have nothing much to report. Everyone showed up (well, except for my brother who was with his girlfriend's family), there were no oven breakdowns, the turkey was defrosted, all the timing of the food came out perfectly. We had spiked cider and pumpkin cheesecake and played games. There was no drama, nobody locked their keys in their car, nobody was fighting. With the exception of having my entire family with me, I couldn't have written it any better. And Helena and I were just perfect together... in our matching aprons.

Making Christmas Lists

It's that time of year... for kids to ask for everything they see in every commercial on the planet for the next month. When I was a kid, I was a victim of the crazed greed and desire, much like today's youth. So much so, I would – just like Helena does – ask everybody for the same thing. Probably why I ended up with three copies of the Pound Puppies game when I was seven. Everyone just wants to make the kids happy.

While Helena is no exception to this rule, and has requested the same presents from roughly 20 people, she is not immune to generosity. The other night, as I was cooking dinner, potentially complaining about the innumerable amount of tasks awaiting completion once my break was over (yes, dinner is my break). My sweet, little Hellcat retorts with, "You know, Mom... it's the time of year where you can ask for anything you want. Like, maybe you want a robot. He could cook for you... and clean the house... and do all the stuff you don't want to, so we could play Little Big Planet... You just ask Santa and he'll give it to you. You've been good."

Now, thanks to her I've got 'house-cleaning, meal-cooking, errand-running robot' topping my Christmas list. Cmonnnnnnnn, Santa!

This year, we got a real tree for the first time since I was a kid. I forgot what it was like to walk through the lots and smell all that fresh pine. We found the most awkward, green, leaning, Dr. Seuss-esque tree we could and knew it was meant to be. After many struggles to get the slanting tree to stand as upright as possible without falling over, we finally won the battle.

We hung ornaments last night, while listening to the Christmas music Helena has insisted be the only thing playing for the past two weeks. (Jordon commented how he liked Feliz Navidad, and I told him to give it a couple more days and he wouldn't.) As we decorated the tree, the three of us discussed how odd it must be from the tree's perspective.

"First, they cut me down and take me away from my family. Then, they lean me against a fence in a parking lot where all these strange people come to feel my branches. Sheesh, buy a guy a drink first! I get wrapped in plastic netting, tied to the top of a car, and see my life flash before my eyes as I slide around during the blistery drive. I get screwed into a stand, where I'll get only enough water to keep me alive another month or so, and they put all this godforsaken crap on me. All this tinsel is itchy and some of these ornaments are really heavy."

But thankfully, trees can't talk so we don't have to feel guilty about our silly traditions as humans. Besides, he's only got another month to live.

My Kid is Cooler than Your Kid...

because she makes up animals like the Cat-Ladybug-Beaver. Beat that!

Helena-ism 314

Me: "I can't believe they're already playing Christmas music on the radio! It's not even Thanksgiving yet."

Helena: "Well, there's no Thanksgiving music, Mom."

You got me there, Helena.

It's Sometimes Sunny in San Diego

Thankfully, we agreed to move our Sea World trip up a day to Friday for fear of the weather predictions. Turns out it was the best decision ever because we had an amazing, sunny day at Sea World on Friday – we were even able to sit in the Splash Zone. Saturday... well, that was another story. It rained most of the morning, but that didn't deter us from enjoying ourselves. We powered through the constant stream, meandering through the quaint shops of Seaport Village. We tried on silly hats, ate lunch at a pizza parlor on the edge of the water, splashed in the puddles (there's a video down there with proof), shared yummy hot cocoa, and played giant checkers in a coffeeshop/bookstore. All in all, it was a surprisingly fun and mellow day. And even though it rained, the memories are bright and shiny.

We headed to Coronado Island (over that huge bridge in the photo above) on Sunday, since it was beautiful when we woke up. Even though we had a long drive back home, we got so caught up being near the ocean, we didn't head back to Arizona until around 5 in the evening. These are the kinds of moments we don't get to share often, and I'm appreciative for every second I got to spend with my two favorite people in the world. When we got home Sunday night (around 11), I tucked Helena into her bed and tears started to fall from her eyes. I asked her why she was sad and she replied, "I'm not. These are happy tears." And she gave me a huge smile and an equally big hug, then rolled over and fell asleep.

 

 

 

 

Helena-ism 313

Helena: "Mom, is Jordon a nerd because he was eating Nerds?"

Me: "You're eating nerds."

Helena: "I know."

My Kid is Cooler Than Your Kid...

... because she runs around the house singing "The Mariner's Revenge" by The Decemberists.

Helena-ism 312

In response to Oscar's incessant meowing:

"I need plugs to go in my ears. What are they called again? .... Ear muffins! I need some ear muffins, Mom."

Helena-ism 311

As I was opening her bookbag: "Beware of the smell in there."

A Sea World Surprise

After what seemed like forever in the car – and a whole lot of convincing that we were terribly lost – I was finally able to fulfill one of my long overdue promises to Helena and bring her to Sea World. We loaded up the car Thursday night, while she watched TV and we snuck the bags out the back door. As if it were any other night, I asked Helena what she wanted for dinner and her response was Subway. So, I told her to get her coat and shoes on and we would go get a sandwich. Once our tummies were full, we began our journey west.

It struck us as odd – that even though Subway is only a few blocks from our house, an hour had passed, and we were in the complete darkness of the desert – Helena never once asked where we were. Only until we were about two hours in, did she finally ask when we would be home. Jordon and I secretly laughed in the front seat and merely said, "Soon." When she didn't bat an eye as I handed her the portable DVD player to watch movies, I knew we were home free. About half-way through, we stopped at a gas station to fill up and "ask for directions". She was still none the wiser.

Even when we showed up in Newport Beach at my friend's apartment, she just assumed Aunt Michelle had moved back to Phoenix. And we needed to stop for the night to get some rest because we were just so horribly lost. The next morning, we caravanned down to San Diego, insisting that Aunt Michelle was going to show us the right way home. Even as we pulled off the exit, Helena cried "I just wanna go home!!!" Luckily, I was able to get the transition of her mood on video so you could witness it as well:




As you can see, she forgot all about her issues and couldn't be happier to get into the park. I'll spare you some details and show you more photos:

The highlight of the day (and the entire trip to her) was getting to play with the dolphins. We got to pet them and throw a frisbee in the water. One of the trainers even gave Helena a fish to feed him! This pulled her out of the extreme throws of depression once again when she was worried she wouldn't get to see what a dolphin feels like. Check out her masterful fish throw:

Helena-ism 310

Overheard while Helena was talking on the phone to her aunt about Jordon:

"I wish I could kick him, but my Mom won't let me."

Helena-ism 309

"Here, Mom. Drinking contest."

As she holds a glass of apple juice and hands me a beer.

Helena-ism 308

Jordon: "Look, his hand is all purple and swelled. Wait... not swelled. That is incorrect."

Helena (matter-of-factly): "Yea, swelled isn't even a word."

Helena-ism 307

"Am I a better whisperer now??"

After whispering in my ear at a reasonable volume, in response to a prior claim that Jordon made about Helena telling secrets too loudly for everyone to hear.

Our Couple's Costume

And in case anyone was interested in anything besides Helena (which I know you aren't), here is mine and Jordon's costume for this year.



Margot and Richie Tenenbaum from The Royal Tenenbaums <3

Our Haunted House

Helenoween

Apparently, Halloween is the new Christmas in our household. Bursting into our room at 5AM on Halloween morning, singing "I get to go Trick-or-Treating today" repeatedly has proven that. Then sleep-dancing in my bed for the next two hours, making it impossible for me to fall back asleep. Getting to that happy-go-lucky Trick-or-Treating point would prove to be a bit more challenging than I originally thought.

When I picked Helena up, she informed me she had to go to the bathroom really bad. After going to three places before someone finally had a bathroom we could use (and I got an attitude from a hairstylist dressed as a slutty {insert profession here} about how bathrooms were for customers only in a salon with no people), she got her Number 3 out of the way. Back in the car and on the road, I again had to convince her that she wasn't really the murderer from our costume party game (even though she was) while, through her tears she pleaded innocence and convinced me that "there's no way a kid could chop a man up to smithereens". Then dealing with the bloody nose she got, while sopping up blood in one of my sheets still in the backseat from the Beetlejuice movie night, while she sobbed about how she wasn't going to be able to go Trick-or-Treating and apologized for the blood on her dress and seat belt. All the while telling her, "It's all going to be alright." It was quite a hectic drive home.

But alas, we made it. Our new neighborhood couldn't get any better for Halloween – all the houses unique and creepy in their own rite. And I could describe everything to you in vivid detail, but why not just show you instead?


NEIGHBORHOOD HALLOWEEN PARADE










SCHOOL CARNIVAL










TRICK OR TREATING











Special thanks to my mom, the master seamstress, who makes Helena's unique costumes every year. She got a lot of compliments on this one!