Helena-ism 338

"Mom... I love you."

"Jordon... You stink."

Check PlayMate

I have officially signed Helena up for her first extracurricular activity and I'm proud to say it's just about the nerdiest thing a kid can do – Chess Club. I'm even prouder to say that she absolutely loves it, and I'd much rather have her doing something that encourages her to use her mind than most of the other after-school activities for kids. Hopefully, this is a step in the right direction of ensuring she doesn't grow up to be a superficial airhead.

Her first match was against a girl about a year older than her. This was her recap of their trash talk to each other:

Girl: "Okay, little girl... you might be cute and you might be sweet, but tonight... you're gonna be my chicken!"

Helena: "And you're gonna be my drink! And that drink is WINE!!"

Turns out, during that match Helena snagged the little girl's queen. During her next match, she played a boy who was in 4th grade and took him to the cleaners. Could my little girl potentially be the next Bobby Fisher? Eh, I'd say given the events she's already experienced during her short life, she's definitely due for a biopic made in her honor.

I look forward to keeping everyone informed of her progress as the rest of the matches unfold.

Helena-ism 337

"Mom, can you ask Ameya's mommy if she can come over for a sleepover? Write her a note that says 'Check Yes or Yes'."

Helena-ism 336

"Ooh! A gamegirl!!"

My Kid is Cooler Than Your Kid...

... because she is the VIP of her class!

The Listening Game

One of the things I love about being a parent, is getting to see the development happen within your child. When they're born, they look to you for everything that they need to learn to become functional human beings, capable of speech, thought, and opinions. What nobody tells you though, is that eventually those cute little drool-ridden babies will one day use that speech to lie to your face, ignore your requests and make their own decisions (regardless of how poor a decision it is), and form opinions so strong to the point of sheer absurdity. What's that? You'd like me to elaborate? Well, alrighty then...

I give you Exhibit A: Kids (no matter how great of a kid you have) will lie to you.

Recently, one night while Helena was brushing her teeth, she asked me to get her mouthwash out for her. Well "mousewash" as we so affectionately dubbed it one silly night. The "mousewash" comes after the "moosepaste", in case you were wondering. This bubble gum mouthwash is electric blue and drops of it get all over the place when she uses it. That's the last time I try to save a couple dollars and don't get the pretty pink, non-staining mouthwash. As this night will teach me, there's another good reason to splurge on that $4.99 price tag for the pink variety. The pink mouthwash offers a top that doesn't pour, but you squeeze to fill the top part of the bottle and then pour that small amount into the cap to use. It's to prevent kids from spilling the open bottle of mouthwash all over the bathroom counter. Um, can you guess where I'm going with this?

Little did I know when I tucked my cute, adorable, innocent Helena into bed that night that she was hiding a terrible secret. And I didn't discover that secret until I opened the shower curtain and saw one of my good washcloths covered in bright blue stains. Upon further inspection of the bathroom, I saw remnants of blue splotches all along the sink, the white countertops, and it had even managed its way into some of the drawers. When I woke Helena up in the morning and showed her the washcloth, after first trying to avoid it, she inevitably confessed to spilling the mouthwash all over and attempting to clean it up without telling me so I wouldn't be upset. Her words: "Well, um... I was thinking... that you have so much other stuff to do... liiiiiike, um... cleaning up the house and going to work, and so I was thinking.... that you wouldn't want to clean up my mess. And I made it, so I thought I should clean it... but I didn't want to frustrate you... soooooooo......"

How can you argue with that?

Exhibit B: After long enough of thinking for themselves, kids will eventually not care about anything you have to say.

While riding on her bike with Jordon the other day – I, lonely and bikeless, watched from the yard – I saw them circle back and forth. And I very clearly heard Jordon say multiple times as he looped the street and turned around, "Don't go in the street. Don't go in the street. Don't go in the street!!"

And as I anticipate her next move, I start to yell, "Helena, DON'T GO IN THE ST-----". Did she listen, you may be wondering. Well, if she had, there would really be no story, would there? As she took the ramp down a driveway into the street, she nearly clipped an SUV coming from the direction which she didn't bother to look in. (By the way, I'm pretty sure I taught her to look both ways too.) Luckily, the driver was paying more attention than she was and had already come to a complete stop preventing any potential injury. Still, my heart jumped in my throat and she was forbade from going out on her bike again the rest of the day.


Finally, Exhibit C: Kids are very steadfast in their opinions.

What this means, is that you could set up a play date with your daughter's newest friend, let them play and run around, take them to get ice cream and let them pick whatever they want – but if you decide to put M&M's on top of that Coconut ice cream she chose, you better be ready to incur the wrath. Is Helena the only child on the planet that could be promised a day of fun and ice cream and then still be brought to tears over M&M's on her ice cream, which she didn't ask for? Possibly. But I can approach this situation from one of two avenues. Either tell her to be appreciative and take what she gets and don't complain (which I did). Or I can be proud that she knows what she wants and is willing to speak up when things don't go her way. Maybe an incident as small as crying over M&M's proves to me that my little girl isn't going to be the type to be kicked around. She's not ever going to be happy with just anything that anyone gives her. She is a child of conviction, who won't settle for less than what she wants and won't stop until she gets it. Of course, the more probable scenario is that she is an only child and growing more entitled with every passing day... but we'll work on that.

Helena-ism 335

Helena: "Riley moved to Kansas and I'm worried about her."

Me: "Why?"

Helena: "Because! TORNADOES!!!"

Helena-ism 334

"I had to go to the bathroom. That's what took me slow long."

(then laughing at herself)

"Slow long?! That doesn't even make sense!"

Helena-ism 333

When I turned a song up on the radio, it was met with:

Helena: "Boo, boo, boooooo, boooooooooooooo, booooooooooooooooo"

Me: "Helena, I like this song. I listen to songs you like all the time. Don't complain."

Helena: "I wasn't complaining... I was just trying to scare you."

iHuh?

Helena's listening to an episode of iCarly where she keeps shouting "Mitch", but it sounds like "Bitch".