My Kid is Cooler Than Your Kid...

... because she wants to dress like my twin.

Helena-ism 325

Helena: "You're a gumbutt!"

Jordon: "What's a gumbutt? It sounds like a Bond villain."

Helena: "What's a bongo-in?"

Helena-ism 324

Jordon: "If you had to choose between a Barbie and Jessica, what would you pick?"

Helena: "How about a Barbie Jessica? Now, that's a Barbie you'd never rip the head off of."

Helena-ism 323

Helena trying to get back at Jordon:

"What don't you like? I'm gonna mix up some tuna fish in a pizza salad. I'm gonna take a Christmas tree wrapped in foil and dip it in cement. See how you like that!"

Helena-ism 322

Jordon: "You're nuts."

Helena: "You're nuts. Full of nuts. A nut machine."

The Christmas Wrap-Up

After weeks of the build-up, the anticipation, the shopping (my god, the shopping) I finally made Christmas happen. As you know, Helena's big gift this year was a pet turtle. Five trips to Petsmart and over $300 later, a pet turtle is what she got. Am I the only one who didn't know that tortoises were upwards of $130?? I also failed to factor in the aquarium, the heat lamps and pads, thermometers, wading pool, bedding, food, shell wax, vitamins, and a little cave for him to hide – as if wearing a shell weren't enough. *phew*

We had been shutting Helena out of the room for the past week in an effort to keep the turtle a surprise. I managed to get her to sleep in her own bed every night, which I'm hoping will be a habit that will stick. Merry Christmas to me. Generally, besides my big planned gift for the year, my Christmas shopping pattern has no rhyme or reason. There's no strategy or list-checking. I see something I like, I get it. Then, when Christmas Eve rolls around, I realize how much I have actually purchased and end up wrapping everything until 3 o'clock in the morning. Did I forget to mention I am a huge procrastinator?

Needless to say, when the wake-up knock came at the door at 7AM, I wasn't quite prepared for it. Since she had been locked out, she only politely knocked and obliged when I asked her to come back again later. With the anticipation of all of those presents, I was even able to get her to clean her room before a single piece of paper was ripped open.

For the first present, we decided to take a cue from a Jimmy Kimmel stunt my sister told me about, and let her open something she would hate. I could tell you about it, or I could just show you. But I'll be honest, I was a little disappointed with her logical analysis of the gifts:



In the true nature of Christmas spirit, Helena regifted her pickles and mustard to Jordon, knowing he would like it much more than her. She would gladly take the Cabbage Patch Dolls, Cocoa Puffs, and Dippin' Dots maker. Yes, I wrapped up a box of Cocoa Puffs for her... just like Santa Claus would.
 

 

  

 

 

 
I should mention that I am not only a parent to Helena. No, I don't have some secret love child that nobody knows about. And before you get all excited, Mom, I'm not pregnant. But I had a boy long before Helena ever came to be, and his name is Bula. Bula is most likely the smartest, mellowist, and most endearing creature I have ever known (and in my family, we've had a ton of pets). But none compare to him. And this video of him opening his own Christmas presents is Reason #482 of why he is the best dog ever and all other dogs shall cower in his presence.


And, in case you were wondering... that is True Blue by Madonna playing on Helena's new record in the background.

Nearly two hours after opening the presents, she still wasn't privy to the turtle. There was a part of me that expected her to be upset that there were things she had asked for and didn't get. But she was appreciative of everything she got and couldn't wait to get into it all. At 10AM, she was asking me to paint rocks and make Dippin' Dots already. But with a little sneaking around on our part, Jordon and I got the turtle setup on Helena's dresser and when I asked her to get something out of her room, she was in for a surprise (which took her a couple seconds to notice):

 

We ended the absolutely perfect holiday with a traditional Christmas ham, played games, and lit some sparklers in the back. So many laughs and good memories. I couldn't have envisioned it being any better.

Helena-ism 321

"The Nutcracker didn't even look like a nutcracker. He just looked like a human bean."

Helena-ism 320

"I saw a bumper sticker that said, 'You dropped a boob on me.' But then Auntie Adga told me it said 'bomb'."

My Kid is Cooler Than Your Kid...

... because she adds little tidbits like this on her schoolwork. (Yes, the cow says "Butt")

Nutcracker Idol

Every day, Helena gets more and more into the Christmas spirit. What with things like Santa's Birthday last week and going to the Nutcracker with her auntie over the weekend. What's that you say?? You've never heard of Santa's Birthday?! Well, for those select few who believe put one of their shoes by the door before they go to bed at night, this year we made a birthday card for the old fart too. When you wake in the morning, you'll find your shoe filled with goodies to get you excited for the festivities to come this month. As if you weren't excited enough already as a kid.

When I was a kid, I remember always trying to find the biggest shoe I had, so Santa would have to fill it up just that much more. Helena is my spitting image. Her boot was HUGE! And as you can see, Santa was no slacker.

Topping her list is a turtle, which she has been begging for repeatedly over the past year. Recently in school, the class was visited by a reptile expert who brought live creatures in for the kids to see. Upon telling this to me, Helena reported, "He had lots of animals. Snakes... iguana... but here's the bad news... NO turtle!" Since she's been so good, there's a good chance that Santa may get her that turtle this year. But let's just keep that between us.

Until we find out for sure what will be under the tree, I will leave you with some video of Helena's rendition of a Christmas ballet.

Helena-ism 319

Helena: "Mom, where does Christmas come from?"

Me: "Well, that depends on who you talk to. Some people will say it's when Jesus was born. Some people will say it's when Santa comes. And some people have different religions and don't celebrate Christmas at all. Jewish people believe in Jesus, but they celebrate Hanukkah."

Helena: "What's Ha-ku-na?"

Me: "Hanukkah. It's a holiday kind of like Christmas, except they celebrate and get presents over 8 days."

Helena: "Ahhhhhhh.... 8 days?! I wanna be Jewish!!!"

Helena-ism 318

Telling me about her schoolday during storytime:

"...and the teacher got to a part in the story where they kiss and guess what? Everyone said, 'ewwwww'. Everyone except for me and Destiny. Even Gloria said, 'ew'. But not me. And I said to everyone, 'What? Kissing isn't gross. You kiss your mom. If there wasn't any kissing, none of us would even be here."

Helena-ism 317

"I had a really bad day. I couldn't jump rope. The rope kept getting stuck on my feet. I fell on the playground and hurt my ankle. Then, I heard Wings Club was coming on at 2. But I don't get out of school until 3."

My Kid is Cooler Than Your Kid...

because her new nickname is "Butthorn".

(This one thanks to Helena's Nana Cookie.)

My, What Big Feet You Have!

"The better to kick mud all over your pants right before we go to the grocery store," says the hellacious Helena as she attempts to get into the car. I use the word attempt loosely, as she pretty much stepped into Jordon's Jeep and faceplanted herself onto the floor of the backseat. Unwilling to get up, she let me tug and pull on any available extremities to get her back upright, as she laughed with glee. Needless to say, my khaki pants were left damp and mud-covered by her boots.

When I finally was able to yank her out of the car and get her standing again, I went to lift her back into the car.

*grunt*

No luck. Try again.

*grrrrrrruuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnttttttttttt*

I'm lucky I didn't snap a tendon in my arm lifting her up. Helena has always been a bit small for her age. She's one of the shortest in her class and is towered over by most kids a year younger than her. Maybe it's because of her little stature that I hadn't realized how big she is actually getting. It's sort of sad, really.

Once we got in the store, I accepted the fact that even riding in the front seat of the shopping cart is no longer a possibility. It's true, she has been riding in the larger bottom part of the cart as of late, but only because she preferred to stretch her legs. And even lifting her up high enough to get her into that area of the cart would prove challenging. My little Helena is little no longer.

Shortly after getting her inside, she cried to get out of the cart because she had to go to the bathroom – which she always seems to do the minute we get somewhere. I lifted her out, we ran to the restroom, and she commented how it was as if we were running through the airport. Upon getting back to the cart, I realized my arms could take no more heavy lifting and for the remainder of the shopping trip, I let her ride holding onto the front end of the cart. Sure, maybe not the best parenting move, but hey – I'm cool!

When Helena espoused Jordon to our "flight" to the bathroom, they both proceeded to make fun of me and call me the mom from Home Alone. I'm toying around with this being mine and Helena's Halloween costumes next year. Gotta get those innocent kid's costumes in while I can, before she's onto bunny ears and tutus like the majority of the female population. God, I hope I've raised her better than that.

Helena-ism 316

Upon getting out of the bathtub, again sobbing:

Helena: "Moooooooooommmmmm.... I'm cooooooooold!!!"

Me: "You act like you're in the Arctic or something."

Helena: "I aaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmm!!!!!!"

Helena-ism 315

When I told her to check the water temperature in the bathtub. She comes running into the room sobbing:

"Moooooooooommmmmm.... I stubbed my toe and the water's fine."

My Kid is Cooler Than Your Kid...

because we make up our own Christmas songs.

"Last Christmas, I gave you my fart. But the very next day, you waved it away. This year to save me from sneers, I'll rip it on someone special."